The Chin-Up

13 and a half chin-ups on 25th july at 2039hrs, Saturday. This is a good day to remember.

Manipulator of Deceits

It sucks to be left behind. But what can I do since i am not academically inclined? The year 2009 is ending in a few more months and my uni acquaintances will be graduating...and yess i will be left behind...as usual..
Failure has kinda become a habit for me. seems that i have lost willpower to overcome obstacles.Instead i just charge right into it without planning. My interest span has taken another dip. and now i am no longer interested in anything. i keep getting bored ever so easily. going with the flow. just going wherever life takes me or fate takes me.
On another note whatever i do doesnt seem to be right. even if i were to make a decision and go forth, i will still be criticised for taking action...even being myself is also an issue.
Inflexible, Insensitive, Insensible, Intolerable... Thats how people currently view me because they deem me stubborn with a very bad attitude. and they expect me to change while they carry on their selfish acts of righteousness since they command a horde of followers while being charismatic. it seems people cant take bad news. praise them a little, bribe them a little, and they swear their allegiance to you unsuspectingly. if you do not join them, people deem you as a social outcast and that you will never recieve any help or salvation.
and so so my own future reference and manipulation, i decided to do a little profiling of my uni acquaintances on my private blog...

lets begin alphabetically from my orientation group:

Ben New : Our general knowledge wolf in sheeps clothing, mr know-it-all, super student who hates losing but really gives his all in whatever he does. has a big ego but in a much more controlled state.

Bryan Chew : old time army fren. needless to say, i hate being around with him for all the bullshit and egoistic comments he has ever given out ever so freely to people he feels are less than him.

Candy Chio : not to be deceived by her surname... pretentious girl who shows her true nature the moment she is surrounded by junior college students. tends to look down on poly students with her bitchazoid ego.

Chiau Yi Foo : Super smart student working in the shadows. not really a social creature for she keeps rejecting social gatherings.

Derrick Ho : another ego bastard. almost feels like he is a two headed snake. cant believe he is a leo like me. he hates losing and his temper is worst than mine. at least i bother to show i have a temper. the worst type of temper is the silent nuclear explosion temper. so a note to you derrick, if u got something to say, say it right out u bloody bastard.

Donghan Chan : Silent killer. cautious threader. if he finds that he cant get along with you, he will find something else more entertaining to do or live with. follower of Junsheng.

Junsheng Chin : another wolf in sheeps clothing...willing to abandon frens over a girl...holes before bros mentality. and a farking racist. if you are not with him, most likely you can never be a friend to him.

Kamariah Rezha : Cheeky malay girl. Angelina Jolie thats what she told me her name was during introduction...emo girl at times....but its ok for a girl to be emo...not a guy...what a joke.

Lionel Lim : another super student. super quiet but acidic at the tip of his tongue. almost like a venomous black adder that snares or bits you the moment you harress it. another follower of Junsheng.

Mario Oyama : mario mario...guess i have the most to say abt you even though you think im not observing. never ready to trust someone completely. only reason he is in control is because of his wealth. super direct guy. and he penalized me for ever being so direct about my feelings because he says it will hurt a girls feelings. tells me to not to be so emo and not to make my hand gestures so obvious because people dont like others to talk behind them...thanks for the tip mario. but you are no different. if you are that sensitive towards girls, you would have had plenty of girlfriends in the past. The only reason im what i am now is because im just collecting useful intel for future manipulation. SO DUN BE SO FARKING FULL OF YOURSELF. even if you tell me you are doing this as a friend.HA wellllll....so be it. I am what I Am. but thanks for reminding me of my purpose =) i almost lost track of it.

Max : malay hip dude. hmm...he seems farking stressed abt everything. for fark man? whos the one failing? whos the one getting backstabbed? me. so dun farking keep saying stressed. I AM MORE FARKING STRESSED THAN YOU WHEN I CANT TRUST ANYONE.

Shaun Sim : so far my views are neutral for him. but who knows? he could have bastard me for all i know. same poly , we even know the same friend. and he wouldnt have known this orientation team if not for me. cos i was the one who introduced him to the team...but i guess he has forgotten.

Terence Lim : (who the hell was he again?) oh ya..skirt chaser like our horny bastard kia Derrick Ho.

Sheesh...writing all these has given me a very bad headache. in the end no one is perfect.so i wonder why people always have to criticise me of what i am. seriously people, i can be a greater asshole than what i am now, dont tempt me. i still have not forgotten what i did to my good secondary school fren jingsheng...and believe me, i enjoyed it. the terror, the feeling of him going crazy when i told on him to his precious girlfriend. He deserved it.not saying i am not in the wrong, oh yes i was wrong to tell on him, but im just returning the favour on what a lousy fren he had been for the past 15 years of our brotherhood. ahahaha, vengeance is so sweet. but that is my true nature. im not having a split personality or whatsoever, but thats just me. Unable to take criticisms, unable to trust, an endless capacity to hate, a vengeful spirit, a destroyer of what he loves, a loner. everything has its price. and unfortunately, i guess this is the path i chose after facing so much rejection and sadness and sorrow and knowing so many pretentious hypocrites with insincere sincerity. people there are always two sides to any story. So i pray you do not forgive me for what i have become.

Nothing Has Changed..

As far as i know it...nothing has changed for me...no matter how much i wished for it...The promises i made to myself that i would change has all come to naught...the promise i swore to change my university life ...never happened...i realised i got lonelier with each passing year...each time i kept thinking what went wrong? Another grave mistake i realised is that i couldnt work in a team...why?why is that so?....it all boiled down on myself...i just couldnt be bothered about how others think...how they thought of me...i never made the effort to try...i just did everything my way...without a care...as a result...i became lonely...an outcast...this was to be expected...it is not because i look down on others or that i shun them away...but probably because i exude an aura...an aura that chokes them in my presence...an aura that makes people sad,afraid...an aura that suffocates them...or maybe...i just cant relate normally to people anymore...what is wrong with me? have i really given up on socialising? when will i stop predicting what will happen as the conversation progresses? when will i stop predicting outcomes even though i know i will be 70% right?....why am i like this? Am i born to be this way right from the start? why can i not change? i do not dislike the way i am currently for it has helped me to survive but what i have to give up in the process aches my heart...Am i fated to be just a distant memory to all my friends?...

The Nature of One

A man must never deny his nature. If he does, in doing so he denies himself... but still people change...and so do their nature...why does it happen? Humans are really complicated..too complicated in fact...I used to try to listen...but the more i listened, the more confused i got...and so i gave up trying to understand and listen altogether...I just hate it when people complicate my life...But maybe...that is just my excuse after all...then again..because of my nature...i have acquired peace, solitary and serenity because i sacrificed complication...ah well...you win some, you lose some...and so we learn some way or another that people will reveal their true nature when a crisis is at hand or they are on the verge of losing their dear life...welllllllll......as if it does matter to me...in the end we all find people are just plain selfish...for most guys, they become wuss asses the moment they face imminent danger, they become wolves when they see a gal they fancy...and they become hypocrites when they choose to shift the blame...and for the gals...if the guy is rich, she takes a fancy in you...if you are poor, then too bad, she wont even notice you...we are all parasites...trying to leech of each other in this world...and such a nature , we cannot deny.. (^^)v

BLAME!

Today I tried to listen again..I tried listening to my old man...and i realised he was afraid that i was lonely...he kept asking me to join a club...join an activity to make new friends...i guess he knows that i have been at home most of the time ...if not im just burying myself at work...or at school..i did not even celebrate my bday again this year...indeed, its been 5 years...my old man asked where all my friends were..he said he recalled that i had a few good friends...i told him simply that no matter how good a friend or friends you have, one fine day, all of us will still walk our seperate ways..differences will drive us apart...a distinction between goals will drive us apart...quarrels will drive us apart...betrayal will drive us apart.the older you get, the lesser friends you will have...that is quite true.most of my friends have already found their other half...though not perfect, they simply stay with each other because of the fear of loneliness.they are afraid that if they do go their separate ways, they will not be able to find another partner...Pathetic.Nonsensical reasoning on their part..yes i must admit, it does get really lonely when you have no one to spend your weekends with, since we all become of that age..the age when you decide to settle down...But not all of us are fortunate enough to find what is true and unconditional...In such a society we live in now, the only way is to be rich so that you can buy happiness...Yes...times have changed...and so has true love...it no longer exists anymore...people have become selfish and only want the best for themselves...and lo, your partner no longer believes in through sickness and good health, for better or worse, through wealth and poverty...she only asks if you are rich enough to support her...Even better, if your parents are rich, she will stay with you because of the wealth your parents will leave for you.And there you have it, she will marry you no matter who left you a fortune.hahahaha...well...what can i say?although i still hope one day...just one fine day...a miracle will happen...friends tell me not to be so picky...not to have such high expectations...BUT PLEASE MAN.FOR GOD'S SAKE, ALL OF US STILL HAVE A BENCHMARK FOR WHAT TO EXPECT OF OUR OTHER HALF. Just imagine, at least we would want a partner who can at least think for themselves.AND NOT CALL ME AT AN UNHOLY HOUR JUST TO TELL ME HER CALCULATOR IS SPOILT AND ASK ME WHAT SHOULD SHE DO..Now, this is not me being a male chauvinist pig. But really...its really a trivial matter...i know if i do think of it another way, she doesnt want any one else's help except mine, so i should be her dearest knight in shining armour and save her from a calculator that is no longer working...wow be-a-u-tiful love story. Apparently, some of us become the way we are because of past experiences...when we finally decide to stop being the nice guy and take control of our lives, we become labelled as assholes or MCPs or pessimistic people with no positive outlook on life.well...of course, people will blame us cos' its our goddamn fault we ruined their day when they asked us to tell them honestly how we are feeling at the moment. The truth just hurts doesn't it? and after that people will start distancing themselves from you.I shit you not, cos' its happening to me now and for the past few years. you could say i no longer work well with people, after being isolated for so long with such a scary and sad face, people just walk away from your life.So shoot me if i refuse to change, cos' remember no one is perfect. and no one is without sin.

A Solitude That Asks Nothing In Return

I know god works in mysterious ways...Many a time, he hinted and most of the time, showed me the way in order to prevent a disaster from befalling upon myself.He wants me to listen, he wants me to see, he wants me to avoid the wrong path...Indeed, he is always there, working his magic. Almost like a sixth sense...he hints you, whether or not do you heed, he will just observe from there on..Yes...all the time..the truth hurts...but He wants me to see it...when i drift...he does nothing...but when i become serious...he starts to work too...God...I do not know your real name...I only know you exist as the absolute law to govern the way of life.But I do not know your name.Centuries and culture have given you many a name.But who are you, or what are you, i will never know. Yet, you continue to show me the ugly side of this world...What are you trying to tell me?I want to know...I know deep down inside my heart, no matter how difficult life is, it still has meaning...I keep trying not to stray from my path..A path i swore i would take..But over the years...it has lost meaning to me...I know all this while i have lost something important...But i forgot what it is...What was it i promised?What was i supposed to do?...My brother told me i changed many years back...after I learned the meaning of love, and it was always accompanied by hate...Through love, i learnt to hate...And ever since then, my capacity for hate grew substantially...and i lost my ability to love...and now 5 years have passed...and i still live in solitary...But people continue to say i give them hope...even though i have lost all hope myself, with only a sliver of negligible hope that miracles do happen...Yes...i have given people hope and shown them the miracles of hoping...And i have shown them the reason for them to go on...Yet i am unable to convince myself...Patience...Patience i tell myself...But i know i do not expect anything in return or any thanks...But just for people to remember me...But slowly and surely with each passing day...i know i am being forgotten...

The Right Note

There are chords in the hearts of the most reckless which cannot be touched without emotion. Even with the utterly lost, to whom life and death are equally jests, there are matters of which no jest can be made.


--"The blood on my hands you see cannot be washed away. I am chosen by destiny to dwell in misery. Dios ruego nos perdone (May God forgive us.)"

Teaser

School Joke
Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking

Warning: Please do not use this joke in school and get expelled.

Jester O' Jealousy

Getting jealous of others is part of love.
Love is like a mirror that reflects your bad side.
Especially when it's unrequited, you get envious, jealous, prejudiced and resentful.
You have to face all sorts of emotions.
There is no reason to feel shameful, though.
It just shows how serious you are.
So how do you break that mirror?
Simple. Just understand the other person you like, that's all.
Do not make quick judgements and don't let them do the same.


--I need a sign...I know i do...

Purpose

It has been a year since i last posted something. This world has continuously disappointed and discouraged me in every aspect. The only hope i believe in is that there is a God in this spectral plane we reside in. But time and time again i find myself fighting in losing wars all for naught. Seriously speaking it is not that i stereotype sg girls to be materialistic. But majority of them are that materialistic. Even though they say they are not materialistic, i mean come on, deep down in their hearts they think otherwise.Its like telling a big fat lie to a guy saying "Im not materialistic, people just think i am." Yeah right. In the end the poor guy gets dumped for another guy who comes from a rich family and the poor guy who got dumped got to catch her red-handed. Poor guy?Demoralizing for him..In the end the girl gets treated like a piece of trash by the richer guy and comes back to the guy who got dumped and says "I realise that you are the one for me" Bullshit.Utter bullshit.Of course if the guy who got dumped really loves her, he will find the capacity to forgive her but otherwise, nah...not gonna happen..Seriously, what are girls thinking these days?its like sg girls have become so materialistic and think that they are so classy even though they totally lack what it takes to be classy.Yeah dont talk about being classy when you don't even have brains to begin with. Never insult a guy who has qualifications and ask him to do the work for you when you can't do it on your own in the first place. Guys are not your dogs. its okay to say you cant do it.Ask for help politely and we will help.Never sound as though we owe you a big favour. Its really sickening. Right now i shall await your downfall. And yes i do believe in retribution.


--- Everyone is sure to do something wrong in life. But most importantly, don't do anything bad.

Endless

FYH is coming back this friday which is the 23rd june..kinda chatted with him on msn.he was asking how were the rest of us were doing.i simply replied we have found our own lives..i do think that is pretty much the picture.js is busy working paying off debts...or not i do not know.if not he has probably found his own group of friends..gw has stopped going out with us completely cos he said it was too boring hanging out with us.lwx is busy with the world cup these days and he is going to china soon..tpk is in the police force on a regular basis and he has no time to meet up cos of gf commitments and gxl is working weird shifts so its difficult to meet up.................................................
yup...i guess we unofficially split up as good friends.mutual understanding?i dont know..was telling von about this when we met up on friday...it will just get more lonely on weekends for me..everyone has found their own lives...so i should too right? planning to enrol in ntu to continue my engineering degree.my last resort is sim.hmm.....its really boring nowadays..nothing much to do in camp.word is we are going to be posted out again....i really wonder what the hell is wrong with the system.i mean seriously if they didnt want us in a particular unit then dont post us there in the first place.post here post there..i feel like registered mail sometimes.bulky item category. just pray for the better stuff.i just want to ord in peace with no extras.just let me leave in peace.SIGH. hell...i am so bored..i know life isnt always that meaningless...but at the moment i cant help but feel that way..i have been searching for my interest...but i cant seem to find any..that is the problem when you are an all rounder..you find something of interest and for awhile you are very interested but much later the interest dies out ...
got in touch with an old friend recently...but after knowing her again...i think she is the kind who just makes use of guys to do her bidding.imagine asking me to pay for dinner two days in a row when she has a boyfriend..just because the boyfriend is abit thrifty on food and clothing and he doesnt like her to spend, so when he is in camp she calls me out for dinner and just as we were approaching our designated area to dine , she casually puts her hand on my shoulder and asks sweetly " R, can you pay first?im broke." and smiles sweetly.and guess where we were?kuishin- bo at suntec city..two days later the same scenario happened at bugis.we sit down at mos burger and she just said "R ,buy me this and that,that and this" and she happily chatted away on her mobile phone with her bf on the line without even looking at the reaction i had on my face.i swallowed it like a gentleman and went to buy what she wanted.but you know what the infuriating part that really pissed me off? she changed seats without even helping me bring my belongings to the new table.it was only when i brought the food to the new seats i asked where my bag was and there she was still happily chatting on her phone with her bf and she just said sorry she didnt notice.WHAT THE FUCK MAN.i nearly blew my top.it was really my limit.i wanted to yell at her what the heck do you think i am?i dont even think you treat me like a friend.im just you other atm just cos your bf refuses to spend on you.i still remember every detail for that day.damn pissed man.all she does is complain her bf smokes,drinks and gambles and refuses to spend on her and yet she dun wanna do anyhting about it saying no choice she loves him and she dun wanna change bf again just cos everyone around her is sticking to their partner and getting married while she is still happily changing wardobes.FUCK that logic of hers man.if thats really the case then dont ever complain to me all the bad points about your bf cos you chose.many a time she hinted that she is sick and tired of the life she is having now with her current beau cos its not what she wants.to see him gamble every weekend and wait on him while she sits down on the couch with nothing to do..then find your happiness is what i always teel her.dump him and find a richer more handsome bf who can cater to your materialistic needs.thats the problem with girls nowadays.all fucking materialistic.guy must have a car before he stands a chance to date her.must have spending power before they can get together.is money really what makes the world go round???im starting to hate it more and more.its a frickin' messed up world...
i guess there is a price to pay for everything.no wonder i chose to be single...but loneliness is the price i pay...losing friends is another cos everyone is getting attached...

--"When will it happen?...."

Circumstances

i guess most probably i will be going back to take my degree in engineering...since my dad says i dont have a goal at the moment...just study back what i have already got in hand...making my life easier...
hopefully a path opens up along the way.haiz...the boredom is really killing me man...i need something exciting to do.interest...where is my interest?
what the hell am i interested in??? machines....that was my childhood interest...i wanted to build a machine...robots..but for what purpose?weapons...my second interest....but weapons bring wars...in the midst of protecting people, they bring about destruction...so what good are my interests?

Cold Planet

man...its 2006 and its still pouring like mad out there.sure rain is cool but not too much rain.it really spoils plans if we already had in mind something fun or exciting to do for the day.haiz...another boring sunday afternoon at home....but friday was the craziest night i had in an awfully long time but it was cool , way cool. it was (D)'s birthday, me and js were invited.told gxl and LWS to tag along but they refused.we got them into cheeky monkeys in the end where (D) had her birthday celebration but hell she was a terrible host.she didnt even bother abt our presence.wonder why she invited us in the first place?she was too busy entertaining her closer friends and colleagues.well all was not wasted since we were at mohammed sultan.LWS suggested that we head down to dbl O as his friends were there and they were having free entry before 11pm.sounded like a plan...haha too bad js was too bored and he went to fetch sylvia home from work.man...he really missed out on alot of fun.LWS friends actually bought drinks for everyone on the house.we did not even cough out a single cent that night. =p shots and beers were on the house thanks to the cheap jugs dbl o had.i guess dbl o still could stand despite competition from ministry of sound which opened recently..we partied until i decided to go and say bye to (D) at cheeky monkeys but apparently she was not there anymore when i went back.oh well, on to club momo then. =p
we really went to three places in a night and man...there was just too much booze...but i decided to leave slightly earlier as i was just recovering...falling sick so easily nowadays.what on earth is wrong with me?....im supposed to be stronger than this...and the usual, js stayed behind to fool around..thankfully he didnt get into any trouble..on saturday i guess all of us were in a state of concussion to do anything..heck i couldnt even play badminton properly...moral of the story...if its booze, it depletes your stamina and affects your athletic performance badly, period...oh well i went over to grandmas place for dinner before js called to meet up at arnd 830pm. we headed down to mr beans opposite paradiz centre for coffee and meals with gxl, LWS, TPK, sylvia and agnes..sent sylvia and agnes home before we went to The Balcony at heeren to chill out over a few drinks..practically we were just stoning...then we headed over to west coast prata shop to eat and headed home at around 3plus in the morning..haha great weekend.
despite all this ...its the same usual quiet, lonely, eerie, creepy feeling i have crawling inside me...there is still something missing from my life...yeah...i have to admit...its that someone special...haiz...TPK did ask me about it...he just told me not to worry...maybe i shouldnt worry ya...after all there is no point is there?...i hope the loneliness doesnt take over me.it is still under control so far..finally got myself a seiko watch after so many years of waiting..geez...dad always gives empty promises...what the heck.its monday tomorrow, i think its gonna be a fast week.next thing you know its gonna be friday, again...

--"It's cold out there...nobody cares...but i still have to be strong...So that I may find a place
where i belong in this world.."

Acquaintance

Hmm...this week really passed quickly.thursday was kinda my last day in camp till 3rd jan when i start the new year.friday was gxl's b-day and we were at east coast celebrating with a bbq.the usual gang was there to celebrate his b-day.a few of his friends stood him up but i guess he was still glad we came..geez...im kinda sleepy, so i guess i will make this short..
i guess we are kinda boycotting someone from our group.he and another gal don't seem welcomed to join us in our outings no more..seems that he is really leeching on to us hoping to know a few girls from our side and hey presto ,my hunch paid off.when we were at momo yesterday, he got to know our friend (M).he kept chatting her up and tried to act like a man but still maintain his composure by not overdoing his act.then i knew deep down inside , history might just repeat itself and it did.he called me today and sorta demanded (M)'s number.i just simply said i didnt have it.and of course he didnt seem to believe me and he tried calling js and gxl to see if they had her number.what a childish act.no wonder none of the rest could stand his attitude.coming out with us for the sake of knowing girls and what if he achieved his goal?
then obviously we wont be friends anymore.but in the meantime, i guess he's gonna stick around to find out more about (M).geez...he wont even give up when i told him she already has a bf.he simply just said just want to know her as a friend...yeah right...i do have (M)'s number...but its never polite to give a number without the latter's permission..so piss off man...you are just an acquaintance like her.

Running on empty

Okay...as the title says im still running on empty and the feeling of not having a bloody goal sucks man...and time and time again we have other people setting expectations on you and they expect you to perform if not you lose your job and become particularly useless to them.In short , you will be left in a corner to catch dust..hmm...not such a bad thing after all come to think of it. At least i get to do things at my own pace.man, i really wonder when was the last time i actually picked up a pen to write something on a piece of paper.Seems to me everything is controlled by a mouse and keyboard.And yes, the invention of an online diary called THE BLOG.Wonder why they call it a blog anyway.I remember clearly that the word blog is associated to a monster called The Blog or the Blog monster..wonder if anyone actually noticed that there was actually a movie about it.hahahaaha..i met someone recently, but apparently i wasnt ready to be in another relationship.Of course, naturally we just ended up being friends...but i dont think she has given up yet... =( haiz...sorry...guess i cant give up my present life yet..if its not that i guess im just not ready for another relationship...though we do have many things in common and finally i had someone whom i can have intelligent conversations with, the thought just scares me... =p
imagine facing myself, talking to myself, knowing everything about myself...yikes...
2005 is coming to an end..what is my resolution for 2006? First thing on the list, Sony ericsson W900i!!!!
well, thought of getting the Ipod Video...but im gonna see what creative has to offer before making any decision..seems that they are coming up with something better..gotta see the specifications first...hoohoo...oh well...lonely christmas this year as usual...maybe i should start asking people out?...sad...hmm...patience patience...im sure something good is coming up soon...it wasnt so bad that i had to change unit...in fact, its much better in safti..for that i shouldnt dread so much... =p haha
oh well...just glad that i did not sever any ties with anybody this year..tomorrow is GXL's birthday..going to help him out at his bbq.then saturday its CLUB MOMO time!!! well, not going to think so much...just gonna enjoy myself hoohoo...party party!

Twenty Odd

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get hot and scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you are. You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you cry and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. The stupid ones plateau, the smart ones rise. You get your heartbroken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You wonder what in the hell is wrong with you. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! We are making a lot of mistakes, but helping one another learn from them. We will piss one another off, and laugh at the end of a conversation that started with angry words. We are a group that talks behind the backs of the same people we call to meet up with on a Friday night, but we are sorry about it and we know that we were just being insecure like they have been. What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it and we are all in this together. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. We are friends, and in 10 years we will be friends who have figured out where we fit in in this world.

--"why...tell me why..."

GXL Returns

Indeed...he is coming home..earlier than we all expected actually.He is giving up his course..we all expected it after all...he never had the will or determination anyway...just wasted his parent's money all over again.i guess me, js and the rest of us will be picking him up from the airport this friday.man...guess i will have to leave gilberts party early...may have to apologise to him later.bugger man...cant actually blame ah liang for being so weak mentally.he never had much guts to do stuff anyway.always impulsive then regrets big time later.oh well, we will have alot of catching up to do.probably he is going to lament to us on how he was such a poor thing to be suffering out there all on his own.then probably boast that he is the first among us to attempt such a feat and that we know nothing about the outside world..true it may sound, but he gave up didnt he?attempts are attempts but still at times these attempts mean nothing if you still give up in the end.but thats ah liang to you.Impulsive, rams head on and when he lands in deep shit or faces a bigger challenge, he just gives up simply.it is a degree course after all.its his life, imean what is he gonna do if he comes back?the degree course was his last chance to make it academically.if not, he has nothing..in fact, he already gave up.wonder what he is going to do now?
of course, its none of my concern.my late nights are going to start again.since he is coming back he wont want to look for a job that soon.he would choose to go clubbing and enjoy the night scenes in singapore.and keep asking anyone who is free to re-tour singapore one more time with him to see what he missed when he was away..sigh...subject approaching..friday is coming..location confirmed..good to go.


--"Mr G, welcome back. We missed you. It ends tonight."

Revival

Supposingly i did mention quite some time ago that i would return when i have found what i am looking for.come to think of it, its really kinda stupid.why shoud i live my life that way?My life couldnt get any worse since some things are already predestined...the problem with me is that i think too much...if i am fated to be alone my whole life, so be it.many things happened as usual over the past few months.and i will be posting to my new unit tomorrow at safti.spent one year in stagmont and all of a sudden they post me out....we army personnel are really dispensable...
kept having flashbacks of my past..seems like i still remember what happened when i was really sick.my mum said i was on the verge of death..or rather i was supposed to die..but my parents prayed for a miracle to happen and it did..thats why i am here today...but i recall somewhere deep inside that i made a pact to return here in the mortal world..i knew i had a choice to leave or stay..but i chose to stay.but years have passed and i have forgotten what was the pact i made...but he did mention if i stayed, suffering would be my life...so be it..let people see that i have survived an ordeal and that it might bring hope to others who are still suffering.May they have a second chance to live and live the way they want..i still havent found what i am looking for...but i wont stop here.

--"Live.."

Last Letter

i think its time i shut down my blog... =) gonna leave it here and probably return when i have well found what i am looking for...until then this will be the place to hold my pain, love and sorrow...so adios my blogspot...my last letter till ...who knows when...



>Main/System/Reffi>Job@@6:Exit
>Main/System/Reffi>
>Main/System/Reffi>Sub Sytem Close
>Main/System/Reffi>ConnectOffReffi >Main/System/Reffi>Cd ../
>Main/System>
>Main/System>Shutdown system 60 minute after
>Main/System>Reset main system, Close main window
>Main/System>Main System unload
>Main/System>shutdown system "RVR" virtual control>..........>..........>closed [Ok]...


Vasteel, be over.

Withdrawal

hmm...my blogging is really getting inconsistent.probably the only reason i can think of is that there is seemingly nothing to blog anymore.i mean life is soooo routine at times...or all the time for me at the moment...i was talking to a friend yesterday...maybe i discovered something else about myself...i realised i never liked people getting close to me...or maybe during the process i did hurt someone recently.i hope she is not mad at me..its not that i am busy or whatsoever..but its just that, maybe i do not want her to know me that well...she might not like my character after all...just hope that we are still friends.."severed" ties with someone recently too.apparently she was kinda leading me on.but in the end she didnt know what she wanted and apologised for hurting me so bad.well done...i ain't messaging her again...currently trying to find out who is telling lies...thanks to all the political shit in camp...its really causing a stir...and they run away from the truth...everybody runs...i guess...
life is still peaceful...having random thoughts every now and then...then at times i see my fate in front of me...which kinda freaks me out...but i dismiss the premonitions as deja vu and take precautions...but im still a clutz sometimes...and i pay the price...owowowow...wonder if i should shut down my blog?cos seemingly nobody reads it...and its soooo sad a piece of work hahahaha

--"You can't fight fate if it slaps you in the face"