BLAME!

Today I tried to listen again..I tried listening to my old man...and i realised he was afraid that i was lonely...he kept asking me to join a club...join an activity to make new friends...i guess he knows that i have been at home most of the time ...if not im just burying myself at work...or at school..i did not even celebrate my bday again this year...indeed, its been 5 years...my old man asked where all my friends were..he said he recalled that i had a few good friends...i told him simply that no matter how good a friend or friends you have, one fine day, all of us will still walk our seperate ways..differences will drive us apart...a distinction between goals will drive us apart...quarrels will drive us apart...betrayal will drive us apart.the older you get, the lesser friends you will have...that is quite true.most of my friends have already found their other half...though not perfect, they simply stay with each other because of the fear of loneliness.they are afraid that if they do go their separate ways, they will not be able to find another partner...Pathetic.Nonsensical reasoning on their part..yes i must admit, it does get really lonely when you have no one to spend your weekends with, since we all become of that age..the age when you decide to settle down...But not all of us are fortunate enough to find what is true and unconditional...In such a society we live in now, the only way is to be rich so that you can buy happiness...Yes...times have changed...and so has true love...it no longer exists anymore...people have become selfish and only want the best for themselves...and lo, your partner no longer believes in through sickness and good health, for better or worse, through wealth and poverty...she only asks if you are rich enough to support her...Even better, if your parents are rich, she will stay with you because of the wealth your parents will leave for you.And there you have it, she will marry you no matter who left you a fortune.hahahaha...well...what can i say?although i still hope one day...just one fine day...a miracle will happen...friends tell me not to be so picky...not to have such high expectations...BUT PLEASE MAN.FOR GOD'S SAKE, ALL OF US STILL HAVE A BENCHMARK FOR WHAT TO EXPECT OF OUR OTHER HALF. Just imagine, at least we would want a partner who can at least think for themselves.AND NOT CALL ME AT AN UNHOLY HOUR JUST TO TELL ME HER CALCULATOR IS SPOILT AND ASK ME WHAT SHOULD SHE DO..Now, this is not me being a male chauvinist pig. But really...its really a trivial matter...i know if i do think of it another way, she doesnt want any one else's help except mine, so i should be her dearest knight in shining armour and save her from a calculator that is no longer working...wow be-a-u-tiful love story. Apparently, some of us become the way we are because of past experiences...when we finally decide to stop being the nice guy and take control of our lives, we become labelled as assholes or MCPs or pessimistic people with no positive outlook on life.well...of course, people will blame us cos' its our goddamn fault we ruined their day when they asked us to tell them honestly how we are feeling at the moment. The truth just hurts doesn't it? and after that people will start distancing themselves from you.I shit you not, cos' its happening to me now and for the past few years. you could say i no longer work well with people, after being isolated for so long with such a scary and sad face, people just walk away from your life.So shoot me if i refuse to change, cos' remember no one is perfect. and no one is without sin.

A Solitude That Asks Nothing In Return

I know god works in mysterious ways...Many a time, he hinted and most of the time, showed me the way in order to prevent a disaster from befalling upon myself.He wants me to listen, he wants me to see, he wants me to avoid the wrong path...Indeed, he is always there, working his magic. Almost like a sixth sense...he hints you, whether or not do you heed, he will just observe from there on..Yes...all the time..the truth hurts...but He wants me to see it...when i drift...he does nothing...but when i become serious...he starts to work too...God...I do not know your real name...I only know you exist as the absolute law to govern the way of life.But I do not know your name.Centuries and culture have given you many a name.But who are you, or what are you, i will never know. Yet, you continue to show me the ugly side of this world...What are you trying to tell me?I want to know...I know deep down inside my heart, no matter how difficult life is, it still has meaning...I keep trying not to stray from my path..A path i swore i would take..But over the years...it has lost meaning to me...I know all this while i have lost something important...But i forgot what it is...What was it i promised?What was i supposed to do?...My brother told me i changed many years back...after I learned the meaning of love, and it was always accompanied by hate...Through love, i learnt to hate...And ever since then, my capacity for hate grew substantially...and i lost my ability to love...and now 5 years have passed...and i still live in solitary...But people continue to say i give them hope...even though i have lost all hope myself, with only a sliver of negligible hope that miracles do happen...Yes...i have given people hope and shown them the miracles of hoping...And i have shown them the reason for them to go on...Yet i am unable to convince myself...Patience...Patience i tell myself...But i know i do not expect anything in return or any thanks...But just for people to remember me...But slowly and surely with each passing day...i know i am being forgotten...